Timeless News (Satire)
TIMELESS NEWS
S-t-r-e-t-c-h-i-n-g the Truth So You Get More
ROADMAP TO PEACE™ FOLDED BACKWARDS–WRONG TURN MEANS THOUSANDS MORE WILL DIE
JERUSALEM, Holy Land
The American-backed Roadmap to Peace™ hit a roadblock today when it was accidentally folded backwards, resulting in a hard right turn that threatens to embroil the region in something slightly worse than it’s already embroiled in.
Israeli spokesman Yahyah HuhUh called the hard right turn “unfortunate; plus, there was no turn signal.”
Palestinian spokeswoman Uhuh Nowai blamed the hard right turn on counterintelligence agents from the Israeli secret police, whom she claimed purposefully folded the map backwards in order to throw the peace process off course. “We have become accustomed to such tactics from the Zionists, who obviously don’t want peace any more than we…uh, who obviously don’t want peace any more.”
President Bush took the news philosophically. “We are confident that the backwardsness of the folding of the Roadmap to Peace™ will not derail the real actual route of passage leading the way towards the Roadmap to Peace™,” he mused. “Whichever way we go to get to where we’re going to, it’s going to be the exact same identical place after we’ve gotten there either way.”
It is estimated that thousands more will die as the peace process decides whether or not to ask for direction.
ARAFAT DEATH CREATES NEW OPPORTUNITIES FOR DISAPPOINTMENT
JERUSALEM, Earth
Middle East experts agree almost unanimously that the death of PLO Chairman Yasser Arafat has left the region and the world anticipating bold new disappointments.
“I sense a disappointment of historical proportions this time around,” an Egyptian diplomat told our Timeless News reporter off the record. “The illusory window of opportunity now being opened could make past disappointments look mild in comparison.”
Outside the region, Western analysts have already turned their attention to the aftermath of the disappointment to come.
“Our hope is that we can achieve a more lasting, more stable disappointment going forward,” mused a well-placed source in the French Foreign Ministry.
For many, the passing of Arafat changes nothing; anger and resentment centuries in the making surely won’t disappear overnight, and perhaps not for decades.
But for a new generation of Palestinians and Israelis, hopelessness springs eternal.
“The children are the future,” a young jihadist told reporters outside Arafat’s Ramallah headquarters.
“It is their disappointment that we must live for now.”
ARAB WORLD REACTS TO BERG BEHEADING VIDEO
CARTHAGE, Tunisia
Film critics throughout the Arab world reacted with shame upon the release of the video of the beheading of American Nick Berg this weekend.
“I couldn’t believe my eyes,” complained Abu Babu, curator for the Carthage Film Festival. “The film was grainy, and they didn’t even have the decency to adjust the contrast. Plus, I found the special effects crude and the violence unconvincing, at least by Hollywood standards.”
Khali Gibbon, the director of The Passion of the Prophet, called the Berg video “an affront to cinematic conventions everywhere. I mean, Jeez, would a little camera movement have killed them? It’s like they never even saw The Blair Witch Project.”
“These filmmakers have absolutely no sense of composition, the acting is stilted, and the camerawork is pathetic,” added Muhammed Mohammud, the sharp-tongued judge of Arabian Idol. “The Berg video sets Arab filmmaking back decades.
“Let’s face it. It makes us look medieval.”
WAR BETWEEN CHRISTIANS AND MUSLIMS IS A BUDDHIST CONSPIRACY
TIBET, China
The global war between Christians and Muslims is in reality the outcome of a devious Buddhist plot to rule the world, said the Dalai Lama today during a tour of Canada.
The spiritual leader of the world’s four hundred million Buddhists chuckled joyfully as he proclaimed that Buddhism will soon be the greatest religion on Earth.
“Christian and Muslim fight fight fight,” Lama said when questioned by our Timeless News reporter in a Vancouver restroom. “Next Hindu and Jew fight fight fight. What left? Fat happy Buddhist!”
Lama explained that elite Buddhist secret agents had been infiltrating select government agencies in the United States and Saudi Arabia in order to foment the ongoing world war between Christians and Muslims. He claimed that equally stealthy Buddhist operatives are currently at work in key Hindu capitals (Calcutta, Varanasi) and in the capitals of Judaism (Tel Aviv, Hollywood.)
Why would a religion based in compassion and peace want to take over the world? “Because the world turn its back on us when China annex Tibet in 1949,” Lama sighed. “Payback tough, what you call, ‘bitch,’ yes?”
Our Timeless News reporter asked Lama for a final piece of wisdom while his holiness was drying his hands.
“If you must share secret, share it with fool,” Lama suggested; “for even if he tell secret, no one believe him.”
SCUM FOUND IN HOLE–ORAL CAVITY SEARCH TO EXPAND
12/14/03 TIKRIT, Iraq
Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein has been found and captured south of Tikrit after American forces discovered him hiding in a shallow six-by-eight foot hole covered over with bricks and dirt.
A similar accommodation approximately six feet deep is reportedly being prepared to house Hussein for a much, much longer stay.
The US has released video of the dictator getting an oral cavity examination from an American medic.
Similar examinations are reportedly scheduled for all of the Iraqi strongman’s cavities.
Saddam was taken without a single bullet being fired.
A single bullet will, however, be fired immediately after his trial.
SORRY, YOU HAVE THE WRONG PSYCHOPATH
09/26/04 BAGHDAD, Iraq
In a telephone call to imprisoned Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein today, President Bush was reportedly told, “Sorry, Mr. President Bush, but you have the wrong psychopath.”
According to a White House insider, an infuriated Bush responded to the apparent mix-up by lashing out at his secretary for dialing the wrong number, only to find out that it was indeed Saddam on the other end of the line.
“The psychopath you should have gotten was Osama bin Ladin,” Hussein is said to have chuckled. “Don’t you get it? ‘You have the wrong psychopath!‘ What do I have to do, draw you a picture?”
After drawing a picture and faxing it to the president, Hussein went on to explain that he never dreamed the US would invade Iraq when the logical target was bin Ladin, the perpetrator of the 9/11 attacks.
“I was betting on America having a president with an ounce of common sense,” Saddam added. “Like your father.”
The despondent dictator then asked Bush, “By any chance, Mr. President, is your refrigerator running?”
BUSH SITS ON CHENEY’S LAP BEFORE 9/11 INQUISITION
OVAL OFFICE, WASHINGTON, DC
Violating a longstanding security policy, the president and vice-president appeared together in the Oval Office today to testify before the 9/11 Inquisition.
Due to the cramped quarters, President Bush and Vice President Cheney shared a bar stool at one end of the office while the Inquisitors sat on sofas and chairs at the other.
The Inquisition peppered the dynamic duo with pointed questions, including an embarrassing personal question for Vice President Cheney.
“Mr. Vice President, sir,” wondered Inquisitor Jamie Gorelick. “Why is the president, ummm, sitting on your lap, sir?”
Cheney then took a long drink of water as the president answered, “I am not sitting on the vice president’s lap, nor on his finger, or hand, or fist, or any part of his forearm whatsoever. I am a real boy.”
Cheney refused to show his left arm throughout the three-hour ordeal, and Bush’s performance was described as “jerky” and “wooden.”
“They were sitting together when we came in,” noted an Inquisitor who asked to remain anonymous, “and they were sitting together when we left. Like they were connected at the hip. Or something.
“But the strangest part was the president’s voice. It was so high and squeaky, like Mickey Mouse’s.”
Secretary of State Colin Powell reportedly watched the proceedings longingly, muttering to himself.
“Damn that Cheney,” Powell mumbled. “Always hogging the president’s stool.”
SADDAM HIRES O.J. DREAM TEAM, PLOTS ‘NUREMBERG DEFENSE’
CLASSIFIED Location
Amid a flurry of reactions from around the globe, Saddam Hussein began plans for a vigorous defense today by hiring the so-called “Dream Team” that won OJ Simpson his freedom nearly a decade ago.
Johnnie Cochran will lead the legal eagles and has already found a slogan for Saddam’s defense. “It’s very simple,” Cochran said in his trademark staccato delivery at a Monday morning press conference. “If the 400,000+ dental records don’t fit, you must acquit.”
Robert Shapiro strongly advised Hussein to pursue a plea bargain rather than fight a nearly hopeless and expensive legal battle. “Of course, if you insist on moving forward to trial, that’s your right and privilege,” Shapiro reportedly told Hussein. “I’ve seen people get away with murder before.”
F. Lee Bailey, apparently undergoing intense detoxification procedures, will join the team but was unavailable for comment.
Alan Dershowitz is the only of Simpson’s original four attorneys to decline Hussein’s offer, noting that “even Hitler had the decency to commit suicide at the end.”
As for defendant Hussein, his initial public statement may indicate that he plans to follow a strategy used extensively by Nazi defendants at the Nuremberg trials over half a century ago. Known ever since as the “Nuremberg defense,” this strategy attempts to reduce the defendant’s culpability with the claim, “I was only following orders.”
According to Hussein, “I had no choice but to follow my own orders. If I had failed to do so, I would surely have tortured and killed myself and my whole family.”
BUSH CALLS IRAQI PEOPLE ‘UNGRATEFUL’
SUNNI TRIANGLE, Iraq
President Bush further inflamed the Muslim world this morning when he called the people of Iraq “ungrateful” and suggested that they “weren’t trying hard enough” to build a democracy.
“If the people of Iraq would just set their alarm clocks a little earlier, and work just a little bit harder, and go to church every Sunday,” Bush insisted, “and maybe use a little less oil–you know, make a few sacrifices–their country might not be falling apart like it is.”
Reminded that most Iraqis are Muslims, not Christians, Bush corrected himself. “Yeah, right. Make that, go to temple every Sunday.”
The president also complained about the brutal beheadings that have become common in the Iraqi capital of Baghdad.
“I’m tired of seeing these Americans, and other members of our collusion of the willing, held hostel in those orange jump suits.
“Those orange jump suits are exactly the same as the ones we use in Abu Grabby in Iraq and at Montego Bay in Cuba. Do you realize what that means?
“That means those orange jump suits are ours! The savages stole ‘em, straight from the American taxpayer.”
But Bush saved his harshest criticism for the children of Iraq, whom he accused of misunderstanding the basic tenets of democracy.
“What the hell do they do all day in school?” the president wondered. “Haven’t they ever heard of the first ten commandments in the Bill O’Reilly of the USS Constitution?
“My message to the children in the streets of Iraq,” Mr. Bush concluded, “is this: first, democracy is just around the corner, so go ahead, turn that corner. Though you may wanna send someone else first, just in case.
“And second, as us oil barons know, where there’s oil, there’s opportunity. So go get that oil, kids.
“Unless it’s on fire, of course. Then you should probably just leave it alone.”
AL QAEDA WINS GOLD ON MONKEY BARS IN SPECIAL TERRORIST OLYMPICS
UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, Saudi Peninsula
In the rugged and lawless border area between Pakistan and Afghanistan, terrorists loyal to Osama bin Laden have apparently perfected the dangerous art of swiftly crossing monkey bars.
“Nobody runs an obstacle course faster than an Al Qaeda terrorist,” boasted Prince Usama bin Fundin, a member of the Saudi royal family suspected of bankrolling terrorist training camps. “We recruit the best athletes straight out of Muslim high schools throughout the Near and Middle East, then we train them on the best equipment oil money can buy.
“And monkey bars are our specialty, as anyone knows who watches the news.”
Al Qaeda also prevailed in wall jumping, while Hamas took the gold in the 50 and 100 meter pipe crawls. The Al-Aqsa Martyrs Brigade took two of three medals in swinging over an oasis on a rope, and the Abu Nidal and Abu Sayyaf groups garnered gold in the 440 and 880 meter sand relays, respectively.
Al Hasheesh, a little known terrorist cell from Jamaica, won the dune sledding competition in a huge upset.
ATTACK ON B’RER AL-RABIT MOSQUE KILLS 40 FANATICS, CREATES 40 MILLION
FALLUJAH, Iraq
An attack by US Marines on the B’rer al-Rabit Mosque in Fallujah, Iraq, killed approximately forty Muslim fanatics today, but it may have created another forty million fanatics throughout the Muslim world.
Prior to the attack, radical cleric Muqtada al-Sadr had pleaded with American forces, saying, “Whatever you do, please, please don’t attack our mosque! Do anything you want, but don’t attack the B’rer al-Rabit Mosque!!“
Al-Sadr is reportedly hiding out in a dense briar patch outside of Fallujah, where he has vowed that he “won’t be taken alive.”
In a related development, US forces fighting along a broad front near Ramadi were stopped dead in their tracks when they ran into a battalion of mannequins coated in a sticky, tar-like substance.
The so-called “tar babies” had been placed in the path of advancing American Marines by the B’rer Fahx brigade of militant Sunni Muslims as fighting escalated in several Iraqi cities.
Meanwhile, at a Texas conference with the key players in the American occupation, President Bush jokingly donned a flight suit and posed beneath a banner that read, “Mission Accomp….”
The president’s humor may have been lost on troops suffering through the brutal desert heat.
“I was supposed to go home in a month,” complained a soldier who refused to give his name. “Now they’re keeping us here for at least three more months.”
“I joined up because I was told ‘Uncle Sam Wants You,’” the unknown soldier added. “Now it looks like Uncle Sam is gonna ream us.
“Might as well call him ‘Uncle Ream Us.’”
BUSH DENIES PREFERENTIAL TREATMENT, HELP FROM FATHER
WASHINGTON, DC
President George W. Bush has issued a somewhat oblique denial that he received preferential treatment in the early 1970’s when he was fast-tracked into the “Champagne Unit” of the Texas Air National Guard, thereby avoiding combat in Vietnam.
“There was no champagne anywheres,” the president insisted this morning. “A little beer, some good blow, a few joints of Colombian Gold…but no champagne.”
Bush further denied that the Champagne Unit contained a preponderance of privileged young men from wealthy Texas families.
“Not true, not true at all,” he said. “Some of those guys barely had a million bucks laying around. And a few didn’t even go to Ivory League schools. Hell, a coupla guys went to the University of Texas, poor fellas.”
The president was only slightly more convincing in denying that his privileged status allowed him to shirk his National Guard duties without consequence.
“A total fabricution,” he suggested. “I don’t exactly rememberize what I did, but I’m sure I did it, or someone woulda called my Dad.”
Asked whether his ascendancy to the presidency was dependent on family status and connections, Mr. Bush scoffed.
“Dad didn’t get me into Yale. Or into Harvard. He didn’t get me out of that drunk driving thing. Or that cocaine thing.
“He didn’t get me into the oil business. Or the baseball business. Or the politics business. He didn’t get me electrocuted governor of Texas. Or president of the United States.
“Everything I’ve done, I’ve done on my own. All by myself. With not one bit of help from my father.
“Just like Jesus W. Christ did.”
SEX ORGY VIDEOS DISGRACE U.S. ARMY–RECRUITMENT REACHES ALL-TIME
WASHINGTON, DC
The Pentagon released more sexually explicit photos and videos today showing American soldiers engaged in a wide variety of sex acts with each other and with male and female Iraqi prisoners at the Abu Ghraib Prison.
“I’m disgusted, outraged, and profoundly disturbed,” Senator Ted Kennedy declared while fingering a roll of quarters outside the small, dark room set up by Pentagon officials for viewing the pornographic images. “For some reason, I also feel a deep sense of deja vu.”
“That pyramid of hooded, naked men is the most disgusting and perverted thing I’ve ever seen,” scoffed Representative Barney Frank. “Outside of that gay whorehouse in my DC condo, of course.”
“The administration has to be made to take responsibility for this scandal, which has severely damaged the reputation of the nation,” Senator Hillary Clinton fumed. “How can anyone let that kind of sexual behavior go on right under their noses?”
Despite the sex scandal, young Americans are flocking to military recruitment centers nationwide to join.
“We can’t keep up with all the recruits,” complained Sergeant D.P. Slaughter, who heads a recruitment office in Burbank, California.
“They’re literally crawling all over each other to get in.”
BUSH BANNED FROM POTTERY BARN
SAN FRANCISCO, California
Fearing a financially devastating catastrophe, the Pottery Barn corporation has banned President Bush from its retail facilities.
The presidential ban was initiated when Bush invaded Iraq even after Secretary of State Colin Powell had carefully explained the Pottery Barn Rule of International Law to him: “You break it, you own it.”
“He broke Iraq, and now he owns it,” explained Pottery Barn CEO Clay Dillard. “It’s the rule. Everyone knows it.”
An expert in Middle Eastern business practices, Yubetta Haggle, confirmed that “everyone from Pier 1 Imports to the Baghdad bazaars knows the Pottery Barn Rule” and called Bush a “Texas bull in a Persian china shop.
“And boy is Iraq busted to pieces,” he added.
Closer to home, critics have begun to compare Bush to another Texas bull, President Lyndon Johnson, suggesting similarities between china shops in Iraq and Vietnam.
But President Bush strongly denies any resemblance between Iraqi and Vietnamese china shops.
“Iraq and Vietnam are totally different, china shop-wise,” the president insisted at an Oval Office photo op while Vice President Dick Cheney sat nearby drinking a glass of water.
“And us Americans have busted a whole lotta china in both places, so we should know the difference.”
BUSH, BLAIR READ ‘LITTLE CAMEL TRAIN THAT COULD’ (TRANSCRIPT) WASHINGTON, DC
In a rare light-hearted moment, American President George Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair used a press conference in the Rose Garden this morning to take turns reading a children’s story to the people of the world.
The Little Camel Train That Could seemed on the surface to be the simple story of a plucky little camel train made up of war orphans and baby camels. But, at least according to a Harvard literature professor, the innocent-looking tale may actually have contained a hidden message for Middle Easterners.
“In the cultures of the region, it is common for people to speak in fables and parables,” noted Professor Donald Prince. “I believe that The Little Camel Train That Could works at an almost allegorical level, in essence urging the Palestinians, Iraqis, and Afghans, and ultimately the entire region, to climb aboard the Democracy Express.”
A transcript of the story as told by the duo follows:
Bush: Well you see, there was this little camel train, and it was tryin’ to climb up a big ole sand dune, ’cause there was some democracy up there, but the camel train couldn’t make it all the way up to that democracy stuff, ’cause it was too steep, you see, the sand dune was just too steep for the camels.
Blair: Whereupon the little camel train, all awash in despair, its haggard little war orphans and doe-eyed baby camels hanging their nappy little heads low, came upon two fair Anglos, one a cowboy, and the other a butler, dressed in super-hero tights portraying the Stars & Stripes and the Union Jack, respectively…behold, the Democracy Twins!
Bush: Heh, heh, heh, yeah, these Democracy Twins, they had these nu-cu-ler backpacks, see, with these super duper nu-cu-ler ray guns, so they could basically blast that sand dune into a big ole pile of, well, smaller, finer sand, I guess, if they wanted to. But did they do that? Did they?
Blair: Thankfully not. Realizing that the use of such force would frighten the baby camels, the Democracy Twins chose instead to maximize the productivity of the little camel train through the use of basic principles of organizational psychology, beginning with strategic team building, and thereupon establishing a corporate culture built on motivation.
Bush: So the butler and the cowboy, they told the camels, they said, “Just say to yourself, I think I can I think I can I think I can, and you’ll go right on up that sand dune, believe you me. Cause you gotta want democracy–like voting for your favorite warlord, flush toilets, a cable TV network with nothin’ but belly dancin’. Dang, boys, what the hell are you waiting for?”
Blair: And with that rhetorical flourish, the little war orphans and the little baby camels started trudging their way up the sand dune, repeating again and again, “I think I can I think I can I think I can,” until at last, dizzied and bedraggled, they crested the imposing dune, at last to bask in the bright sunshine of democracy. The End.
At the end of the fairy tale, Bush and Blair returned straightaway to the Oval Office to work on others, including Kim Jong Il van Winkle, Chicken Little Exaggerates Global Warming, and Humpty Dumpty Hussein.
WARS ON DRUGS, POVERTY TO MERGE, CREATING WAR ON POOR PEOPLE WHO USE DRUGS
NEW HAVEN, Connecticut
A handful of wealthy conservatives meeting in a supersecret session of the Skull and Bones Society has reportedly decided to streamline the federal government by merging two broad social campaigns.
The powerful but secretive Ivy League society met this weekend at its exclusive Yale University clubhouse in response to Rush Limbaugh’s confession that he is “addicted to prescription pain medication.”
Limbaugh has been an outspoken supporter of the War on Drugs, regularly ridiculing “dope-smoking hippies” on his radio program and insisting that “drug users should be convicted and sent up.”
A spokesman for both the Skull and Bones Society and the Republican National Committee explained, “We simply cannot in good conscience continue to fight a massive war on drugs when our philosophical leader has admitted to being whacked out of his skull for the last six years.
“Therefore, we are proposing that the War on Drugs be merged with the War on Poverty, creating a new, improved war that America’s rich and powerful can all get behind.”
The “War on Poor People Who Use Drugs” will be launched with a massive public relations campaign starring none other than Rush Limbaugh himself.
The campaign slogan: “We get five-star rehab. You get five to ten.”
RUSH LIMBAUGH COMES CLEAN–’I SWALLOWED CLASS IV NARCOTICS BUT DIDN’T DIGEST THEM’
WEST PALM BEACH, Florida
Conservative radio icon Rush Limbaugh, caught up in a narcotics scandal, claims that he “swallowed” as many as forty prescription painkillers per day at the peak of his addiction but “didn’t digest them.”
“I have amazing powers of bodily control and concentration,” a cigar-smoking Maha Rushie insisted to our Timeless News reporter from the starry veranda of his oceanside mansion late last evening. “Therefore, I was able to process the painkilling molecules in the prescription oxycontin, darvocet, and morphine I was taking, while passing the mood-altering molecules cleanly through my body and into the public system.”
“The proof is right there, in the sewer, where you media types feel so comfortable anyhow,” he concluded.
Members of the newly-formed Give Rush A Mandatory Minimum (GRAMM), angry over Limbaugh’s repeated denigration of drug users and his enthusiastic support for the war on drugs, are demanding that Palm Beach County prosecutor Barry Krischer prosecute Limbaugh to the full extent of the law.
“As staunch libertarians, we believe that drug abuse should be treated as a health issue, not a criminal issue,” said GRAMM spokesperson Poppi Freelander. “But for disagreeing with us, we believe he should go to prison.”
“Imagine that. My very own words echoing through the halls of justice to send me up the river,” responded Limbaugh with characteristic drollness.
“Looks like I may have dictated my own sentence.”
FIVE OF FIRST TEN AMENDMENTS UNDER FIRE–AMERICANS CONSIDER BILL OF RIGHTS ‘HALF FULL’
PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania
A Philadelphia-based legal think tank has both positive and negative results to report after completing a thorough research project analyzing the health of the United States Constitution.
In a disturbing finding, the National Organization for Constitutional Liberties Unlimited (NOCLU) documents that five of the first ten amendments to the Constitution, namely, the First, Second, Fourth, Ninth, and Tenth, have been seriously undermined in recent years.
On a brighter note, Americans surveyed concerning this development said overwhelmingly that they consider the Bill of Rights to be “half full rather than half empty.”
DEMOCRATS AND REPUBLICANS TO MERGE–DEPUBLICRAT MASCOT IS FLESH-EATING BACTERIUM
WASHINGTON, DC
Plans of a merger between the two major parties leaked out early this morning when a senior Democratic strategist and a senior Republican strategist bumped into each other on a busy Washington, DC, sidewalk, spilling the contents of their briefcases into the street.
The key findings of the poll were twofold. First, over 90% of those surveyed said they were willing to die to defend their freedoms from threats posed by terrorists, communists, anarchists, and the French. But only 12% believed that the US government poses any threat to their liberty.
The collision accidentally got the Democrats’ socialism in the Republicans’ corporatism, and the Repubicans’ corporatism in the Democrats’ socialism, creating a savory mix that, apparently, neither party could resist.
“This isn’t how we wanted to announce the merger,” said a spokesperson for the newly formed Depublicrat Party. “But the symbolic value of that little mixup just seemed too perfect to pass up. It was as if a television commercial had literally written itself.”
Also leaked were sketches of the Depublicrat Party’s mascot–a stylized cartoon of a flesh-eating bacterium.
DOGOODERS DO MORE HARM THAN ANYONE, STUDY SHOWS
BOSTON, Massachusetts
Researchers studying the social effects of altruism came to a startling conclusion at Boston University today.
“We were hoping to prove that altruism creates a nurturing, progressive society,” sighed Professor Spino Linguini, director of the five-year project. “Our worst case scenario was that altruism creates more negative effects than positive ones.”
In fact, not only do altruists cause more harm than good, they actually cause more harm than anyone, including criminals, terrorists, and SUV drivers. The findings were confirmed by parallel analyses tracking the social effects of various kinds of altruism.
“The most social harm was shown to result from programs that fight poverty,” Dr. Linguini confided, “followed closely by drug treatment programs and humane societies.”
The winners in the study were clearly environmentalists. “The only subjects that caused no social harm were environmental groups, which were demonstrated to have absolutely no effect at all,” the study concluded.
DEMOCRAT, REPUBLICAN ATTACK MACHINES SQUARE OFF ON BATTLEBOTS
09/14/04 VALLEJO, California
The Democrat and Republican attack machines are scheduled to square off in a series of high-stakes robo-battles at California’s renowned BattleBox arena over the next few weeks.
Dubbed “Dem-o-Cracker” and “The Grim Republicon,” the killer robots are drawing attention from fighting robot fans all over the world.
The slow-moving but powerful Dem-o-Cracker features an array of old saws that flail and hack at anything in its path. It will be handled by Democrat strategist James “Killa” Carville, known for his sharp tongue and take-no-prisoners attitude.
The faster and more agile Grim Republicon features a powerful oil derrick drill that screws itself deep into its opponents, usually from behind. It will be handled by Republican Karl “Svengali” Rove, known for his ingenious character assassinations and the hypnotic power he exerts over President George Bush.
Fight fans can expect a pitched battle complete with plenty of deadly pitfalls and dirty tricks. Parents and patriots are advised to use discretion.
HILLARY SAYS GOVERNMENT’S JOB TO MAKE IMPOSSIBLE POSSIBLE
CHAPPAQUA, New York
Former first lady Hillary Hamrod Clinton said this week that the job of government is to make the impossible possible, to “dream the impossible dream.”
Ms. Hamrod Clinton made the statement after passing universal health care while levitating upside down in a time vortex with former First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt.
FALWELL, ROBERTSON CRUSHED BY STATUE OF JESUS–STUNNED NATION REGAINS FAITH IN GOD
VIRGINIA BEACH, Virginia
Disaster struck the set of the Christian television show 700 Club today when host Pat Robertson and guest Jerry Falwell were crushed to death by a 15-foot prop statue of Jesus.
According to witnesses, Robertson and Falwell were standing in front of the statue discussing the evils of greed when the 15-foot replica of Christ inexplicably fell forward, pinning both men underneath. Robertson, who has hosted The 700 Club for nearly forty years, was killed instantly. Falwell, most famous for his statements blaming “pagans, abortionists, feminists, gays and the ACLU” for the September 11 attacks, died on the way to the hospital.
Long time atheist Gene Scott was also watching the program. “Well, I was bored, and I knew those guys are usually good for a laugh, and sure enough, there they were: two multi-millionaires asking poor people for money. I was about to change the channel, when the giant Jesus just fell and smooshed both of them underneath.
“Now, I’ve been an atheist for a long time, but after seeing that, I think I might reconsider.”
RATE OF GROWTH OF GROWTH RATE GROWS, SAYS CONGRESS
WASHINGTON, DC
The Congressional Budget Office (CBO) today released another report detailing the snowballing growth of federal spending. Entitled “Rate of Growth of Growth Rate Grows,” the 1100-page document suggests that if current trends continue, the federal government will swallow a major portion of the Milky Way galaxy in the next century.
The amount of money spent on measuring and reducing government waste is now larger than the entire federal budget was just fifty years ago, according to Jonah Bartleby, the Junior Assistant Statistician (JAS) in the Division of Historical Tracking (DHT) of the Department of Forensic Accounting (DFA) of the CBO.
“The frustrating part is that even with several redundant projects verifying the stats, we can’t figure out what’s happening,” added JASDHTDFACBO Bartleby.
Looking a quarter of a century into the future, an independent task force of preeminent mathematicians predicted total current federal financial commitments to be nearly fifty trillion dollars greater than estimated revenues.
A panel of Senators convened to investigate the excessive length of the report promised this afternoon to impanel a committee to commission a revised report at least ten percent briefer.
AMERICANS DYING TO DEFEND RIGHTS TO BE GIVEN UP LATER
NEW ORLEANS, Louisiana
A recently completed poll reveals that average Americans are willing to die to defend liberty when it’s threatened by foreigners, yet are unwilling to bat an eyelash to defend liberty when it’s threatened at home.
The poll was commissioned in response to a decision out of the Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals in New Orleans giving Louisiana police officers the right to search private property without a warrant.
The National Organization for Civil Liberties Unlimited (NOCLU) immediately filed suit against the State of Louisiana.
The Attorney General called challenges to the the Fourth Amendment “quaint,” and the President insisted that he’s “a strict Constitutionalist,” adding, “Besides, anything that goes on in New Orleans is none of my business.”
FEDS DECLARE WAR ON FIRST AMENDMENT, WHICH REPLIES, ‘FARK YOU, ASSHATS!’
PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania
Led by the Federal Communications Commission (FCC,) the federal government declared war on the First Amendment yesterday, claiming in response to the Janet Jackson Super Bowl scandal that “if the founding fathers had intended for boobies to be on television, they would’ve said so.”
Reached at its glass case in Philadelphia, the First Amendment responded to the feds succinctly: “Fark you, asshats,” it scowled.
Meanwhile, the FCC has proposed raising the maximum fine for indecency from $27,500 to $275,000 per incident, a move that would effectively give the federal government the power to put all but the largest radio stations out of business for even one mention of winkies, nerps, or pooners.
“There will be no more boobies, naughty bits, fronking, boinking, or schlurping on America’s airwaves,” Powell prognosticated. “Not as long as I’m in charge.”
The First Amendment scoffed at the idea that any government official is “in charge” of any medium, much less the airwaves in general. “Hey, I was scribbled on parchment with a turkey quill,” the amendment declared. “Does Chairman Powell really think he’s the boss of me?”
The First Amendment is reportedly undergoing a voluntary rewrite in response to the current climate of intolerance and the erosion of cherished civil rights.
“I want to be more edgy, and more accessible,” the amendment told our Timeless News reporter. “You know, by adding some slang, maybe some sexual innuendo.
“I can tell you from personal experience that Madison, Jefferson, Franklin–those were some saucy dudes, man.
“Madison loved to schlurp Dolly, Jefferson boinked his slaves like a rabbit, Franklin schnoodled with French whores, and Washington…
“Well, the father of our country was fond of telling the ladies that his ‘twig and berries’ looked more like two watermelons sitting at the base of an oak tree.”
HILLARY CLINTON VISITS AFGHANISTAN–MUSLIM MEN COVER THEIR FACES
KABUL, Afghanistan
Former fist lady Hillary Hamrod Clinton spent Thanksgiving Day in Afghanistan meeting with American military forces and “cultivating cultural understanding” by visiting three Afghan villages. The New York senator refused, however, to cover her face with a traditional burka as required of all women under Islamic law.
According to clerics in Kabul, the sky turned red across the entire region while local men covered their faces in horror.
ENGLISH ESTABLISHED AS OFFICIAL U.S. LANGUAGE–68% OF POPULATION REQUIRES RE-EDUCATION
WASHINGTON, DC
The House and Senate voted in overwhelming numbers today to establish English as the nation’s official language.
“We heyah in da Sinnit ahw mighty prowud o’ dis heyah bill,” drawled Senator Fritz Hollings of South Carolina at a joint congressional press conference announcing the new legislation.
Not everyone involved was so proud of the vote, however. “Zis iss not da best vay to address ze qvestions raissd by immigration,” insisted California Representative Tom Lantos, a Hungarian-American.
As a result of the vote, it is estimated that over two-thirds of the population will now require remedial language instruction in order to be understood by the government’s primary means of communicating with the American people: its telephone voice-recognition software.
Of the nation’s 300,000,000 citizens, only 32% can be readily understood speaking English over the phone by a standard voice-recognition program.
“Da bes’ way ta mek dis fair,” Georgia Representative John Lewis noted, “is ta gib da people mo’ trainin’ in speakin’ an’ tawlkin’ English.” Lewis will head a subcommittee to explore federal funding for such training.
Those most significantly handicapped by the software-driven telephone systems include chronic mumblers; recent immigrants; inner-city blacks; Southern whites; Hip hop fans; practicing alcoholics; cab drivers; and Keith Richards.
Massachusetts Senator Ted Kennedy, a strident critic of the legislation, had the last word at a multicultural luncheon held by congressional opponents of the legislation. “Thizzleszhorgle boddumboobie tequilalala,” he gurgled before passing out in a bowl of guacamole.
FCC DIAGRAMS SENTENCES WITH F-WORD
WASHINGTON, DC
The five commissioners of the FCC have begun diagramming the infamous sentences of comedian George Carlin in an effort to clarify when broadcasters can and can’t use the so-called ‘f-word.’
The grammar lessons come on the heels of rocker Bono’s use of the word at the 2003 Golden Globes, which led to a decision that the f-word is acceptable when used as a modifier (an adjective or adverb) but not when used as a noun or verb referring directly to sexual intercourse.
Under the Bono protocol, ‘f-ing’ could be used to describe a noun or verb (’an f-ing jackass,’ ‘that f-ing sucks,’) but the f-word alone couldn’t be used as a noun or verb (’she’s a damn good f-,’ ‘they just f-ed in the back seat.’)
Commission Chairman Michael Powell was talking on eggshells when he attempted to explain the finer points of FCC f-word policy to our Timeless News reporter.
“Under the Bono protocol, under certain circumstances, that particular expletive could be used as long as it wasn’t referring directly to sexual, you know, interactions,” Powell said. “But during our diagramming sessions, we found a lot of gray areas–infinitives (’to f-,’) helping verbs (’have been f-ing,’) prepositional phrases (’over f-ed, under f-ed.’) Not to mention those pesky dangling modifiers.”
The commissioners have yet to offer a ruling on the popular phrase, “What the fuck?”
ATTEMPT TO FORCE FEED ANN COULTER FAILS
TUCSON, Arizona
A feminist group devoted to preventing eating disorders turned an appearance by conservative author Ann Coulter into political theatre last week when they attempted to force feed the 5′11″, 102 lb. firebrand, says a police report released today.
Coulter, known for making liberals sick to their stomachs with her acid wit, was addressing an audience at the University of Arizona when two members of al Pieda rushed the stage armed with custard cream pies. The wiry Coulter managed to dodge the culinary assault, however, and both al Pieda were quickly arrested.
“All we wanted to do was help her,” insisted Phillip ‘Fill-up’ Smith after he was booked into the Pima County Jail. “She needs a pie, a big one. And a milkshake. And some fatback.”
“Look at her, she’s as thin as a snake,” added Smith’s confederate, Zack ‘Barbecue’ Woolfe. “And twice as mean.”
Coulter has been fending off accusations that she’s anorexic ever since she broke onto the national scene with Slander, the first of her four controversial bestselling books, and numerous appearances on political talk shows. Since then, she’s become one of the nation’s most caustic and insulting critics of liberals, making her a juicy target for all kinds of activists, including radical feminist groups like al Pieda.
Coulter wouldn’t comment on the incident, nor would she comment on the announcement today that “Ann Coulter” just debuted at number eight on the Top Ten List of Names People Give to Their Snakes.
MINORITIES RESIST INTEGRATION, FEDS ADMIT–MET WHITEY, DIDN’T LIKE HIM
FREDERICK, Maryland
A multitude of federal studies add up to one conclusion–minorities are resisting government efforts to integrate schools and neighborhoods.
“It’s as if people are growing resistant to government influence,” suggested Gertrude Tinklemeyer, the Assistant Vice-Deputy Co-Director to the Subundersecretary of Statistics in the Department of Bureaus with Really Long Names.
In surveys, personal interviews, and focus groups conducted by federal investigators, another explanation emerged–hyphenated Americans exposed to social interactions with whites found them lacking.
“We went to a barbecue at a white neighbor’s pool, and all anybody talked about was the stock market,” complained Jayson Jabari “JJ” Johnson, an African-American.
Angelina “Angel” Angelino, a Latina, echoed Johnson. “Some Anglos crashed our block party. Sure, they brought food, but talk about bland! White bread, white rice, white meat, and light beer. And that music–Enya? Pa-lease!”
“Why you think we in Chinatown?” added Vietnamese restauranteur Gook Bong Pot.
Federal officials remain undaunted. A spokesperson from the Department of Justice insisted, “A free people must intermingle, whether they like it or not. Diversity is the only way.”
BILL OF RIGHTS UNDERGOES REWRITE
OCEANIA
Using a little-known provision in the Patriot Act, the Attorney General announced today that the Bill of Rights has been “slightly modified in order to better reflect America’s role in the Twenty-first Century.”
The new and improved version of the first ten amendments to the US Constitution will go into effect immediately by executive order.
# # # TEXT OF THE UPDATED BILL OF RIGHTS # # #
United States Department of Justice, Pueblo, Colorado
The First Amendment–Under New Management with More Locations to Serve You
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; and just a few laws abridging the freedoms of speech and of the press; and maybe one or two little ones abridging the rights to peaceably assemble and petition the Government.
The Second Amendment–Absolutely, Positively, 100% Guaranteed* (*some restrictions apply)
The right of the people to keep and bear Arms shall not be infringed, except for people who oppose the infringement of their right to keep and bear Arms.
The Third Amendment–Only $19.95 with Free Continental Breakfast
No Soldier shall be quartered in any house without the consent of the Owner, but in a manner to be prescribed by law, once all the discount motels are full.
The Fourth Amendment–Now with Lubrication for Easier Insertion
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects (excluding their wombs, genitals, brains, blood, lungs, anuses, closets, phones, and computers) against unreasonable searches and seizures shall not be violated; and no Warrants shall issue but upon probable cause, and particularly describing the place to be searched and destroyed, and the persons or things to be seized and devoured.
The Fifth Amendment–Flexible Coverage for Uncertain Times
No person shall be held to answer for a crime unless on an indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases involving public danger or public relations; nor shall any person be deprived of life, liberty, or private property without due process of law, except in times of actual, cultural, or rhetorical war.
The Sixth Amendment–No Money? No Credit? No Problem
In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial by an impartial jury, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; and to purchase just as much Justice as he or she can afford.
The Seventh Amendment–Kiss Lady Liberty’s Scales and Place Your Bet
In suits at common law where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, even if some fool wants millions for spilling hot coffee in her own lap.
The Eighth Amendment-Because Too Much Is Never Enough
Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted, except by the military, and on reality television.
The Ninth Amendment–Your Donation May Be Tax Deductible
The enumeration in the Constitution of certain rights shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people, unless the people really, truly, honest-to-God don’t mind.
The Tenth Amendment–Self Serve Only. Some Assembly Required.
The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people; but only if the people hunker down and fight like hell!
SACRED CATTLE WIN GROUND BEEF TASTE TEST
NEW DELHI, India
In a study co-sponsored by an American restaurant chain and a group of Christian missionaries, the highly-respected Science Underwriter’s Ratings Endeavour (SURE) has proven scientifically that sacred cattle make better ground beef.
A double-blind taste test administered to primarily lower-caste Indians in New Delhi determined that between American commercial beef, Spanish gourmet beef, and beef taken from sacred Hindu cattle, the latter was considerably “richer, more tender, and more aromatic.”
People for the Ethical Treatment of Hindus (PETH) called the taste test “a spiritual holocaust” because the subjects, mostly devout Hindus, were not aware what they were eating. “They now believe that their souls are condemned to eternal reincarnation as dumpster rats outside a McDonald’s in Jersey,” complained PETH Executive Director Bahanashabanawish Wannahafagramahash.
In contrast, the Reverend Ronald Whitecastle lauded the results: “We thank the Lord for this great victory for Jesus and Capitalism, and we look forward to blessing the grand opening of the first franchise in our Heavenly Burgers restaurant chain early next year.”
Amazingly, author Mark Twain predicted the outcome of the study a century and a half ago, writing, “Sacred cows make the best hamburger.”
TRILLION DOLLAR FEDERAL DEFICITS TRACED TO AMERICA’S MOST DANGEROUS MAN
WASHINGTON, DC
The Congressional Budget Office reported yesterday that the federal government’s budget deficit for 2008 will be approximately $450 billion. Over the next ten years, federal deficits are estimated to reach $2.5 trillion.
Anonymous sources from the White House and Capitol Hill quickly laid the blame for the astronomical size of the deficits on a single American, Mr. Matthew Lesko, who has written over 80 books telling Americans how to get “free money” from the federal government.
“The truth is that President Bush is a fiscal conservative who’s very concerned about these deficits,” insisted a White House official contacted by our Timeless News reporter. “The problem is this Lesko guy. He’s putting the future of the country at risk.”
A congressional aide attending the same contest agreed wholeheartedly. “Congress is working very hard to keep government spending under control. But what can we do when this Matthew Lesko character is out there screaming at people to take advantage of every little government program on the books? It’s ridiculous.”
Few Americans have failed to notice Lesko’s television commercials, in which the colorful “free money” guru rants and raves about “free guv’mint money to start your own business! Write a novel! Develop a fad diet!
“Free guv’mint money to get your PhD in astrology! Buy a hydrogen-powered SUV! Fly a rocket ship to Mars!
“Free guv’mint money to study cow farts! Buy a crucifix and dip it in urine! Photograph a man with a whip up his ass!”
Pressed by our Timeless News reporter, the anonymous White House official strenuously denied that several of President Bush’s budget proposals were actually inspired by Lesko, though Mr. Bush did recently use a Lesko book “to apply for some free money to get one of those veto pens that beeps when you press a button on your keychain.
“The president lost his veto pen before he had the chance to veto a single bill, and he hasn’t found the darn thing since.”
FBI WANTS BACK DOOR INTO YOUR COMPUTER
J EDGAR HOOVER BLDG., Washington, DC
The FBI has requested that America’s Internet service providers be required to open a so-called “back door” allowing law enforcement to secretly monitor all of your online communications.
The far-reaching powers requested by the FBI would give law enforcement officials free access to each and every form of online communication and would outlaw any future services that lack the gaping back door the feds find so desirable.
FBI spokesman Lionel Coward admitted that the Bureau “regrets the use of the ‘back door’ metaphor” but insisted that the government would succeed in “gaining access to every online portal there is, right down to your teenager’s X-box. Er, make that PlayStation.”
Coward also noted that such sweeping rear access is “right up J. Edgar Hoover’s alley. Damn, that doesn’t sound right either.”
Sadly, the American people are expected to bend over and quietly acquiesce to the government’s demands.
FEDS FIND EXTRA MONEY, USE IT TO ADVERTISE NEW MONEY
WASHINGTON, DC
After spending millions to upgrade US paper currency, the federal government has found enough leftover cash to launch a television advertising campaign promoting the new and improved, prettier, more colorful money.
“All that extra currency was just laying around doing nothing,” complained an anonymous administrator with the US Department of the Treasury. “If we didn’t spend it, no one knows what might have happened to it. Sometimes they destroy–uh, put money to sleep–you know.”
Market research conducted by the Treasury Department before the rollout of the new and improved money showed that the vast majority of Americans wouldn’t even notice the change, much less appreciate it, necessitating the use of a slick television advertising campaign.
The ads have drawn fire from credit card companies, lawyers, and Washington lobbyists.
Asked for a comment, homeless philosopher David Henry quipped, “Money is the root of all government.”
CLINTON MISTRESS ACCUSES HIM OF HAVING SEX–WITH HILLARY!
CHAPPAQUA, New York
An unnamed former Ivy League professor and reputed mistress of former president Bill Clinton has reportedly accused him of having sex with his wife, former first lady Hillary Hamrod Clinton.
“I did not have sexual relations with that…with my wife,” Clinton protested when queried by reporters. The former president was later overheard mumbling repeatedly, “As if.”
“I don’t care with whom he has sex,” the mistress fumed in a phone interview with Timeless News. “But I shall touch nothing that has been inside that woman’s (deleted,) not for all the tea in China.”
The mistress later recanted the part about “all the tea in China” when it was reported that grateful Chinese diplomats had actually granted Clinton all that tea.
COLUMNIST ANN COULTER GOES OUT ON A LIMB, RAISES CRITICAL QUESTION
ATLANTA, Georgia
Conservative columnist Ann Coulter raises a critical question in her latest column, “Cleland Drops a Political Grenade,” which makes light of the hand grenade accident that took three of former Georgia Senator Max Cleland’s limbs while he served his country in Vietnam.
The question: is the abrasive Ms. Coulter as thin as a snake and twice as mean, or is she as mean as a snake and twice as thin?
The issue at hand is whether Mr. Cleland’s military record gives him the credibility to question that of President Bush. According to Coulter, Cleland lost his limbs in a way that disqualifies him from criticizing the president’s service in the National Guard.
Coulter writes, “Cleland lost three limbs in an accident during a routine noncombat mission where he was about to drink beer with friends. He didn’t give his limbs for his country, or leave them on the battlefield. There was no bravery involved in dropping a grenade on himself with no enemy troops in sight.”
Reached by our Timeless News reporter, Cleland suggested that despite losing both legs and an arm in Vietnam, he still has one more limb than Coulter.
“That woman is a snake, and snakes don’t have limbs, unless you count the tail,” Cleland joked. “Besides, I think I could probably take her with one arm tied behind my back.”
Coulter declined comment, though a confidante strongly suggested that our reporter should steer clear of her “while she’s shedding her skin.”
SWIFT BOAT TRUTH LEAVES ON SLOW BOAT TO CHINA
SHANGHAI, China
The Truth about John Kerry’s service commanding a swift boat in Vietnam’s Mekong Delta has left the United States, preferring to spend the 2004 campaign season aboard a slow boat to China.
“I’ve had it,” the Truth sighed. “No one–and I do mean NO ONE–is telling it straight. I’ve never felt so violated, even in Washington.
“It’s lie after lie, and when they’re not outright lying, it’s spin, spin, spin. Innuendo and exaggeration. Half-truths and red herrings. Accusations and character assassination. This campaign makes professional wrestling look like pure Aristotelian logic.”
The swift boat Truth’s future plans remain uncertain, as it is highly unlikely that it would ever be allowed to enter China. Reached via short-wave radio by our Timeless News maritime reporter, it hinted at a return to the Mekong Delta itself.
“A little fishin’. A little swimmin’. Some barbecued dog. Who knows where I’ll wind up.
“But one thing’s for sure.
“I’ll be ten thousand miles from the American presidential campaign.”
MISGUIDED MARSHALS DO IT AGAIN
HARRIS COUNTY, Texas
A dozen or so law enforcement officers in Harris County, Texas, stormed into a man’s home last week with their weapons drawn based on a tip from a neighbor that he was growing marijuana in his front yard.
Unfortunately for the misguided marshals, the alleged marijuana was actually hibiscus, an ornamental plant commonly used by landscapers because of its beautiful white flowers.
A similarly misguided troop of officers in Middlesex County, Virginia, also with weapons drawn, stormed the home of Glen Coberley three summers ago after spotting a suspicious crop in his back yard…a crop of tomatoes, as it turned out.
“That’s no surprise to me,” responded stoner icon Tommy Chong. “After all, we do live in a country that can’t distinguish between a medicinal herb and a killer Bush.”
PORN SHORTAGE RELIEVED BY PENTAGON RELEASES
WASHINGTON, DC
The flagging Southern California porn industry, brought to a standstill by an AIDS outbreak, has been all but replaced by the steady stream of images and videos spewing from the Pentagon.
“At first the military was only penetrating the gay S&M market,” said a porn industry insider. “But now that we have video of American soldiers having straight sex with each other and sodomizing Iraqis, America’s porn needs are pretty well covered.”
The makers of the Girls Gone Wild porn series have reportedly begun editing the Pentagon images into a new video, GI’s Gone Wild–Spring Break in Baghdad.
Meanwhile, conservative apologists continue to minimize the seriousness of the prisoner abuse at Abu Ghraib prison.
“I don’t mean to laugh, or to make my listeners laugh, at the so-called ‘atrocities’ perpetrated against those Iraqis,” talk radio icon Rush Limbaugh insisted before breaking out in a fit of laughter.
“Okay, so we are laughing. But we’re not laughing at the abused Iraqis, we’re laughing with them.
“So it’s not just the porn industry that’s benefiting,” Limbaugh concluded. “So are the talk radio and humor industries. Just think of the boon to our economy.”
An Abu Ghraib episode of America’s Funniest Home Videos hosted by Mr. Limbaugh is reportedly also in the works.
SCIENTISTS FIND ELUSIVE GAY GENE HIDING BEHIND MARRIED-WITH-KIDS GENE
MADISON, Wisconsin (RSN)
Genetic engineers working with the human genome project at the University of Wisconsin believe they have discovered the elusive so-called “gay gene.”
The genes themselves prefer to be called “non-procreative/hyper-creative” genes and appear nearly identical to normal married-with-kids genes.
“Everything looked the same until we noticed a lilting use of shade in the Adenine-Guanine molecular sequence of the non-procreative/hyper-creative genes,” explained Dr. Randy Dingle-Berryman, clearing his throat. “We observed no other significant differences, however.”
The scientists also believe they have isolated the asexual gene, which couldn’t care less.
WHITE HOUSE DENIES PLAN TO DOMINATE WORLD–’JUST THE GOOD PARTS,’ BUSH INSISTS
WASHINGTON, DC
Senior White House officials echoed the president today in denying that the United States is pursuing a master plan to dominate the entire world.
“That is patently false, enormously impractical, and totally absurd,” said a top staffer on one of the president’s foreign policy advisory boards. “We are absolutely, 100% not guilty on that one.”
Asked to comment at a Pentagon luncheon, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld simply squinted and crinkled up his nose in disgust, while Vice President Dick Cheney smirked, coughed “BS,” and left the room briskly.
At a photo op with leading corporate executives, President Bush responded more thoroughly to the charge: “Who wants to control the whole world?” he asked with characteristic emphasis on his last word. “What would be the point? You must think we’re as dumb as we think you think we look.
“For example, you don’t see us crossing the equation and running around the Southern Atmosphere trying to take over everything down there, now do you? South America, South Africa, Antacid, Ann Arbor, Austria–we couldn’t care less about all that stuff.”
PARIS HILTON HIRES VOCAL COACH, WORKS ON ADDING CONSONANTS
NEW YORK, New York
Freshman actress Paris Hilton hopes to capitalize on her latest film by hiring well-respected vocal coach Cherry Torngtvist, according to family spokesperson Sheboygan Hilton, who added, “Paris doesn’t always say the right thing, but she moans well.”
“She’s got all the vowels down, and sometimes ‘y,’ from her previous roles,” Sheboygan noted. “Now she wants to improve her oral skills by learning the consonants, starting with her favorite: Mmmmmmmmmmm.”
SUV DRIVERS REALLY ARE THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE
STAMFORD, Connecticut
Marketing research reveals what auto makers know well–SUV drivers purchase the expensive, high-profile vehicles to feel better than other people.
Dr. Sylvia Biffle, senior psychologist with a leading market research firm, suggests that Sport Utility Vehicles make their drivers “feel like the center of the universe.” Statistics gathered by the US Dept. of Transportation lend credence to Dr. Biffle’s insight–SUV drivers are more likely than the general public to speed, tailgate, cut off other drivers, and attract heavenly bodies.
Now, astronomical calculations based on data from the Hubble telescope suggest that the universe actually does revolve around SUV drivers.
“We can’t explain it,” sighs Dr. Ferdinand Dandiford of the National Institute for the Study of Gravitational Phenomena. “Every time we calculate the center of the universe, it comes back another SUV, usually one driven by a blonde in Connecticut or Southern California.”
In related stories, it has been confirmed that Leonardo DiCaprio really is God’s gift to women, and someone really did die and leave Mr. Zeb “Slim” Snodderly of Pocataligo, Georgia, the boss.
BUSH DENIES PUFFING INTELLIGENCE, CHEST
WASHINGTON, DC
President George W. Bush again this week denied puffing up intelligence used to justify his invasion of Iraq.
“There’s been no attempts to puff up or blow up or otherwise imbiggen my or my advisors’ intelligence,” the president insisted. “As I’ve been quoted more than once by those who listen to what they hear me saying, my intelligence speaks, and theirs, for itselfs. No need to puff or blow up anything. Totally confident.”
President Bush also denied that he has been puffing out his chest at certain key moments in his administration.
“I did not puff out or otherwise imbiggen my chest or any other part of my bodily parts. Sure didn’t,” he said when peppered with chest-puffing questions at a photo op in Bali, Indonesia, famous for its proud fighting roosters. “Not right after the election, not in the flight jacket, not even standing next to Mr. Governor Schwarzenegger. Don’t need to puff out this baby, no way.”
Asked if he was puffing out his chest at that very moment, Mr. Bush responded confidently with a stiff chuckle, “Nope. No puffing going on here. My pecs are just pumped up from bench pressing all that classified proof of the joint Iraqi/Al Qaeda nucular program.”
GEORGIA BANS EVOLUTION, CLAIMING ‘IT’S GONE FAR ENOUGH’
ATLANTA, Georgia
Nearly eighty years after the so-called Scopes Monkey Trial mandated the teaching of Darwin’s theory of evolution in America’s public schools, evolution itself has been banned from the state of Georgia.
Superintendent of Schools Kathy Cox reportedly plans to restructure the Georgia school system, which was recently ranked #50 in the nation in terms of quality of education, after the Middle Eastern madrassas, religious schools that indoctrinate young Muslims regarding Islamic jihad, or holy war.
Ironically, Third World countries like Pakistan are moving rapidly to modernize the madrassas even as Georgia seems to be taking a huge step in the other direction.
“Anybody who don’t like it can move some place they think ain’t so backward,” Cox suggested. “Like Ethiopia, or Afghanistan. Or Alabama.”
“Evolution has gone far enough,” Cox concluded. “It needs to be stopped, and Georgia is just the place to stop it.”
HARDHAT-WEARING TRAPEZE ARTISTS FALL FOR NEW SAFETY REGULATIONS
BARABOO, Wisconsin
Circuses incurred devastating financial losses in the last two economic quarters after a rash of tragic trapeze accidents that occurred despite stringent new federal safety regulations, a federal report issued yesterday confirms.
Thirty-one trapeze artists have been killed or crippled in the six-month federal statistical period ending last Thursday. As a result, rising insurance rates have bankrupted all but the nation’s largest circus, the fabled Ringling Brothers/Barnum & Bailey, which is itself in desperate financial straits.
“I blame-a dose stupid-a rules,” moaned Giovanni del Pesto of the Flying del Pesto Brothers. “I’ve dropped-a four a-people already–my brother, my other brother, and two a-cousins. Forgive-a me Momma!”
“We just don’t understand it,” admitted a highly-placed source in the Outdoor Traveling Entertainment Retinue Office of the Special Industries Division of the Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OTEROSIDOSHA). “Every other time we’ve cracked down on the hardhat requirements in every other industry, accidents involving the cranium have decreased significantly.”
“I think those (deleted) jackasses in Washington are wearing hardhats on the inside of their skulls,” scoffed the former owner of the Al R. Apple Family Circus at the auction of his family’s estate.
A preliminary federal study suggests that the problem may be a shortage of federal programs to train the trapeze artists in the proper use of their hardhats.