Bill of Rights Re-write

In a post-9/11 world, it just makes sense to update quaint documents like the Geneva Conventions and the Bill of Rights. The following is a draft of a new and improved Bill of Rights under consideration by the Bush administration, available for free to any US citizen (add $4.95 for shipping and handling) from that well-known PO Box in Pueblo, Colorado: 

The First Amendment–Under New Management with More Locations to Serve You
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; and just a few laws abridging the freedoms of speech and of the press; and maybe one or two little ones abridging the rights to peaceably assemble and petition the Government.

The Second Amendment–Absolutely, Positively, 100% Guaranteed* (*some restrictions apply)
The right of the people to keep and bear Arms shall not be infringed, except for people who oppose the infringement of their right to keep and bear Arms.

The Third Amendment–Only $19.95 with Free Continental Breakfast
No Soldier shall be quartered in any house without the consent of the Owner, but in a manner to be prescribed by law once all the discount motels are full.

The Fourth Amendment–Now with Lubrication for Easier Insertion
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects (excluding their wombs, genitals, brains, blood, lungs, anuses, closets, phones, and computers) against unreasonable searches and seizures shall not be violated; and no Warrants shall issue but upon probable cause, and particularly describing the place to be searched and destroyed, and the persons or things to be seized and devoured.

The Fifth Amendment–Flexible Coverage for Uncertain Times
No person shall be held to answer for a crime unless on an indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases involving public danger or public relations; nor shall any person be deprived of life, liberty, or private property without due process of law, except in times of actual, cultural, or rhetorical war.

The Sixth Amendment–No Money? No Credit? No Problem
In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial by an impartial jury, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; and to purchase just as much Justice as he or she can afford.

The Seventh Amendment–Kiss Lady Liberty’s Scales and Place Your Bet
In suits at common law where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, even if some fool wants millions for spilling hot coffee in her own lap.

The Eighth Amendment-Because Too Much Is Never Enough
Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted, except by the military, and on reality television.

The Ninth Amendment–Your Donation May Be Tax Deductible
The enumeration in the Constitution of certain rights shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people, unless the people really, truly, honest-to-God don’t care.

The Tenth Amendment–Self Serve Only. Some Assembly Required.
The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people; but only if the people hunker down and fight like hell!

Newsprism.com